It’s important that children receive positive messages about sexuality.

Teaching about sexuality is an ongoing responsibility, not just a ‘one-off’ talk.

COMMUNICATING ABOUT SEXUALITY WITH YOUR GRANDCHILDREN

Children live in a world where they receive sexual messages daily, from television, music, advertising and from their friends. Sex is often joked about and discussed in a derogatory or stereotypical way. It’s important that children receive positive messages about sexuality. Generally, children who receive a comprehensive sexuality education from an early age:

• are more likely to make informed and responsible sexual decisions in later life
• understand appropriate and inappropriate behaviour
• are less vulnerable to exploitation and sexual abuse.

Won’t they lose their innocence?

This question stems from the belief that information about sexuality is ‘dirty’ or ‘wrong’. Innocence means freedom from guilt or shame, whereas ignorance means lacking knowledge or information. Some people believe that if children have no knowledge about sexuality they are innocent. Children who are well informed about sexuality are less likely to feel guilty or shameful about their bodies or their sexual thoughts because they will understand their feelings and know what is and is not OK for them. This in turn will also help protect them from sexual exploitation and abuse. Sexuality education can actually help to maintain innocence.

If they know about sex, won’t they experiment at an earlier age?

In fact the opposite is true. Young people who have received ongoing and effective sexuality education are more likely to delay sexual intercourse. Evidence shows that when they do become sexually active they’re more likely to use contraception and practise safe sex.

When should I start?

Children start to learn about sexuality from the day they are born. It is important to help children feel good about their sexuality from the very beginning. This way they will be more likely to ask questions or to seek your help as they grow up. Teaching about sexuality is an ongoing responsibility, not just a ‘one-off’ talk. As with other subjects such as road safety, information about sexuality should be given in an age-appropriate response. Don’t worry. Whatever age your grandchildren are, it’s never too late to start.

How do I start?

When it comes to talking about sexuality, people are often embarrassed. If you feel embarrassed, admit this to your grandchild. You could say something like ‘I’m finding this a little difficult because no one ever spoke openly to me about sexuality when I was growing up, but this is an important subject so I really want to talk to you.’ This way your grandchild won’t think the subject is an inappropriate one. They will respect you for your honesty.

How do I answer their questions?

If your grandchild asks a lot of questions about sexuality, that’s great. Answer them simply and honestly and give just enough information to adequately answer their question. If they want more information they will ask another question. For example a four-year-old might ask ‘Where do babies come from?’ or ‘How does the baby get out?’. Regardless of the child’s age it’s best to keep your answers simple and honest. For example, ‘The baby grows inside the mother’s body, inside the womb,’ or ‘The baby comes out through the mother’s vagina’. If you’re unsure how to answer a question, a good strategy is to ask the child a question in return, such as ‘What made you think of that?’. This will give you time to establish what they already know and formulate an answer. If you don’t have an answer, maybe you and your grandchild could find it together.

Wrong times and places

Sometimes children ask questions at awkward times or places, such as the supermarket, sitting in a crowded bus or perhaps when you are just too busy. Tell them that while their question or comment is interesting and important, it is better discussed in a more private place, when you are alone together or when you are not so rushed. Make sure you do follow it up at a better time.

What if they don’t ask questions?

Some children don’t ask a lot of questions, but this doesn’t mean they aren’t interested. They may have picked up the message that this isn’t an OK subject to ask about so you need to take the initiative and bring up the subject yourself. There are lots of opportunities to get things started. A friend or relative is pregnant, a pet may have babies, an issue may be raised on TV or perhaps an older sibling is going through puberty. Use the situation to raise the subject. You may ask the child what they know already and then build on this knowledge.

Sometimes children, particularly at puberty, indicate that they don’t want to listen, or that they know it all. You could ask them to do you a favour and discuss it for a few minutes anyway. Make it clear that you need to talk about it with them, even if they don’t feel the need to discuss it. Another way to prompt discussion and provide information is to have books about sexuality for children. If you don’t want to buy books, ask at your local library, or visit www.fpq.com.au for a list of recommended readings.

Use the correct word

We call an arm an arm and a nose a nose, so it makes sense to call a penis, vulva, vagina or breast by its correct name as well. By doing this we ‘normalise’ these words and don’t single out these parts of the body as being different. By using commonly accepted words we provide our children with a vocabulary they can use in any situation.

Can I give them too much information?

Your grandchild will only take in as much information as they are able to understand. Probably the worst outcome of giving too much information is that the child will become bored and ‘switch off’. If their eyes have glazed over and they stop following your answer with a question, they have probably heard enough – for today anyway! Don’t lecture, listen and ask them questions in return.