grandparents as parents
overview information grandparent as carers

Everyone needs time to adjust to changes and deal with feelings of grief and loss.

grief and loss grief and loss how can grandparents help

As grandparents raising our grandchildren, we can intervene to protect them from abuse and violence. In this way, we can ‘break the cycle’, to make sure it won’t happen to their kids.
Grandparent carer

GRIEF AND LOSS

Children and adolescents may feel vulnerable and insecure when families experience a loss. They may believe that they are responsible for what has happened. It is possible for them to misunderstand what is happening unless parents or other caring adults discuss the situation and any proposed changes with them.

Not all children and adolescents have two parents to give them love and security, and this can occur for a number of reasons. An increasing number of families are experiencing the trauma and disruption of separation and divorce. Families may also experience loss through the illness or death of a family member. Even the death of a loved pet or a close friend moving away may cause significant distress to children and adolescents.

Moving house can also be disturbing for children and adolescents. They may find losing contact with familiar places and people, changing schools, and having to make new friends very stressful.

When there is a death in the family

Children may feel vulnerable and insecure when there is a death in the family, or a death of someone close to them. Pre-school children see death as temporary and reversible, like the cartoon characters on their television. Between the ages of 5 and 9, children start to think more like adults but still can’t believe it could happen to them or anyone they know.
Funerals provide a means of saying goodbye to a loved one. It is helpful to include children. However, if children are frightened of attending a funeral, they should not be forced. Instead, help them have their own farewell such as lighting a candle or saying a prayer.
Spend as much time as possible with the child and let them know they can show their feelings. They may display their feelings of sadness on and off for a long period of time. Anger is a natural reaction to the loss of someone special. This may be shown by aggressive play, nightmares or irritability. Children may express anger towards the surviving members of the family or may become fearful about their safety.
Young children may persist in the belief that the family member is still alive. This should pass after a few weeks. If not, seek professional assistance.
As well as the shock and confusion a child feels at the death of a family member, adults’ own feelings may make it difficult for them to cope with the emotional and physical needs of their children. Professional counselling may help guide families through this difficult time.

WARNING SIGNS IN CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Children and adolescents usually don’t show their pain and suffering all at once. They may seem to be over it and then their distress may suddenly reappear.

Some of the ways children cope with loss and grief are:

  • Acting younger than their age. This may tell you that it is all too much and they need to be less grown up and less independent while they gather strength.
  • Trying to over-achieve at school or at home so that it is not obvious that they really are suffering.
  • Having difficulty concentrating at school and being preoccupied with their feelings.
  • Trying to defend their parent, brother or sister. They may try to look after someone who seems weaker.
  • Some may show anger or hostility in play, towards their toys, brothers and sisters or parents.

WHAT CAN GRANDPARENTS DO TO HELP

There are a number of ways grandparents can help their children cope with loss.

  • Let them know they are loved and that you are there for them.
  • Let them know that it is not their fault.
  • Answer their questions simply and honestly and where possible include them when making decisions that will affect them.
  • Be tolerant of their behaviour as it may be their only way of expressing their feelings.
  • Try to find out how they are feeling. Let them cry, talk, or express their anger in a safe way.
  • If they can’t talk to you, encourage them to talk to others whom they trust.
  • Keep things as familiar as you can (school, friends, pets, precious possessions).
  • It is okay to show your feelings. Showing your children how to cope will help them.
  • Let their school or teacher know what is happening.

Find support for yourself, as this is the key to surviving difficult times.Everyone needs time to adjust to changes and deal with feelings of grief and loss. Children and young people may not want to tell you what they are feeling, for fear they will upset you or make you angry. Your own feelings may be so strong that you may not notice or feel able to cope with what your children need.

How to get help for children and young people experiencing grief and loss

  • Your child’s general practitioner, teacher, guidance officer, or school counsellor.
  • If more specialised assessment or intervention is required, general practitioners, schools or other health professionals can make a referral to a Child and Youth Mental Health Service (CYMHS) – for local clinics, look under Health in the White Pages telephone directory.
  • Your general practitioner may refer you to other specialists who work with children and adolescents such as a private psychiatrist or psychologist.

TELEPHONE SERVICES

Service Phone
13HEALTH
Preventative health information and advice about referrals to local health care services. 		13HEALTH
(13 43 25 84)
Parent Line 8am – 10pm, seven days a week. 1300 30 1300
Lifeline 24 hours, every day of the year. 13 11 14
Kids Help Line 24 hours, every day of the year. 1800 551 800

 

The information above was provided by Queensland Health.